Thursday, July 16, 2015
A promise to a friend on her birthday 2 years ago
15 July 2013:
I remember the times when we were in a starry-eyed hurry to grow up and become everything we ever wanted to be. And now that we are all grown up, we want to go back to the days when we didn’t let a silly thing go by without rewarding it with laughter.
I remember making a pact with you, to remaining silly, even when we are 40. That was 2 decades ago. So much has happened, so many miles and years and experiences later, I still know that I can be absolutely silly with you, yet have soulful profound conversations about life with you. Whether we want to go back to the sepia-toned era of carelessness, or we want to stay here and be all the things we wanted to be, I know that we have come a long way, and I always want your presence in my life. You are a blessing my dear, you are such joy, happy birthday to you! I hope God keeps you well, and I hope that He enriches your life with experiences and love, and friends and family are always around.
Until we are 40 and silly, and friends still, I look forward to sharing a lot more stolen moments with you.
Hugs and kisses
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Thought provoking Saudi Arabia
When I visited the middle east in 2007, I found myself on a wall about the idea of “women’s oppression”. While the limitations on women driving a car, having a job, or voting are what news and media analysis continually remind us of, what impresses upon you, and sets you apart from them when you arrive, is the women’s attire and outdoor conduct.
A woman in Saudi Arabia, is typically covered in at least three layers of clothes, each progressively looser and more opaque than the other. The dense and hefty cloak (abaya) that covered any shape or aspect of the female form (think internet trolls about the hijab-spectre-penguin) seemed stifling, to say the least. Add that to 45 degrees of burning desert sun, and none of it seemed fair. Especially relative to the men who seemed to enjoy a better deal in the mandated dress code: a wispy white robe, headgear and loose pants.
Things got interesting in the mosque (I was in the ladies portion of it of course), where the women would “de-robe” to their splendid finery and perfectly groomed dazzling beauty, complimented with artful jewelry and watches. After prayer ablutions their heads were again obediently covered. Their gregarious chitter-chatter as they caught-up, mellifluous laughter and a wand of lip-gloss here or a re-touch of kohl there made these women seem achingly “normal”. And yet, it was easy to discern them from me, as I felt oppressed in my hijab and they appeared glad in their multi-layered oppression.
Women in Saudi Arabia are very warm and generous. Which made for some interesting conversations over kahwa. Every woman I spoke to was a content soul. She actually liked the imposition that her brother/father/husband needs to accompany her wherever she may fall in the company of a male stranger. She finds intimacy and pride in the fact that perhaps the only men who will know what her face looks like are her brother/father/husband. She derives a sense of pride in the knowledge that no man apart from her husband has ever seen her form, and does not identify with women who would like to be physically desirable (read sexy) to men “out there” when they find all the love and protection they may need in one man. Their hijab gives them a sense of being treasures that need to be hidden from the public eye, which I dare say they found liberating. They felt protected, respected, and loved in the conditions that I imagined to be oppressive and throttling. Without trying to say that absolutely no women in Saudi Arabia feel shortchanged, or trying to define what delineates their sense of liberty from mine, my curiosity made me accepted the suggestion from a young girl to try their attire during my stay there.
Although I did not venture into the restraints of the abaya, I started small and tried on the hijab. I went from the salwar kameez and head-gear clad girl, often the only “female face” visible in any room, to one of the crowd. Surprisingly, the opaque black cloth offered some relief from the sveltering heat of the day. Mingling in the crowds on foreign land actually made me more comfortable. The invisibility of my face took some getting used to, especially where I didn’t speak the language and often used expressions to communicate. After a while, I felt like I could get used to the men not staring at me (if you are an Indian girl, you will probably cringe at a recollection of that ogling you were subjected to barely a few hours ago). Towards the end of my visit, I actually began to feel underdressed unless I had my hijab on. I did not feel any of the pride and protection the local women in a hijab felt. But I didn’t mind it so much. The hijab was not an inconvenient garment that I could not wait to discard as soon as I got home. That bit of the culture of this country was not so hard to imbibe while I was there.
A lot changed after that year, a flight back to India and familiar civilization made the hijab seem like a distant and improbable part of my memories from the past few months. But although it would never “fit” to wear it here, it did not seem to represent women’s oppression. Or oppression of any kind. Yet, although I never resented it there, I knew that it could probably never be part of me here.
Gender roles in Saudi society come from Islamic law (Sharia). From my understanding of it, this primarily “unwritten” law prohibits all that is not decidedly addressed in the Quran, deeming it potentially forbidden (Haram). Indian or western cultures see true justice only in equality of every kind, and will never understand the sense that the women of Saudi Arabia see in this same Islamic Law.
There may be a lot left to be said about the rights of woman employees, drivers and voters (or the lack therof) in Saudi Arabia, and I stand ill-equipped to comment on any of that. But I can comment on the hijab, only to say that while in their country and their cultural territory, the hijab and its conduct, to me, did not define women’s oppression.
Monday, July 07, 2014
A few hours in Istanbul
I know of two kinds of vacations. The first is the kind where you have each day and hour planned to the minute. This kind of vacation rewards you with a warm satisfied departure. You know have seen everything that was worth seeing on unforeseen land, without losing any time. It also makes for a great confluence of conversation amongst fellow-travellers who have seen it all too. And then there’s the photo-journal-like facebook album that gives you that “great use of my time and money” feeling even months later. There’s the other kind of vacation. Unrehearsed. Beaming with an ignited wanderlust. And that twitchy restlessness when you leave, one that comes with the knowledge of all the untread earth and unheard stories you are leaving behind. Knowing that there’s a part of you that you have bartered there, in ransom for the wealth of experiences you are taking away. Equipped with only a hotel reservation and two days, Istanbul for me was all this. I stepped onto Turkish soil (well, tarmac, if you are a stickler for facts). I remember closing my eyes and inhaling deeply when I landed. As I stopping to smile at the cliché, it occured to me why travelers do that upon arrival. It is to indulge that voracious appetite to explore an unacquainted land that takes over your senses like a narcotic. Istanbul's easy-breezy airport left a warm first impression. I believe that a lot is to be learnt about a country from its airports. I half expect to be regarded as foreigners are: with a distant, intimidated curiosity. But in Istanbul I experienced a palpable warmth. These were people who were proud of their country and excited about you discovering it. Before I even stepped out of the airport at Istanbul, I was in love. I got a visa stamped on my passport and found my way to a cab that cruised through a neat and spaced out city. In my unbridled excitement I found myself clicking so many pictures of the road itself that I could have assembled a frame-by-frame photo map for directions to the hotel. After a quick check-in, and a surprising ebb of inter-continental travel exhaustion, I found myself in my walking shoes, on the cobblestone streets of Sultan Ahmet. When on foot, the most striking feature of Sultan Ahmet Square is a panoramic view of a centuries-old past and the glittering big-city present. Handy tour-books quickly remind you that everything around you dates back to the times when Istanbul was Constantinople. A walk around the hippodrome shows you a German Fountain, a Greek column hoisted by a Roman emperor, and an Egyptian obelisk, making for a curious case of history and belonging. Within minutes of being in Sultan Ahmet Square, you begin identifying Byzantium and Constantinople as Istanbul, a city that has changed names as it has changed eras. On my right was the only monument I expected to see there, the Blue Mosque, standing in quietude. I made a note to visit it the next day, and to find out why this magnificent white structure before me was named the “blue” mosque. A walk down a bustling park was a treat for the eyes and nose. Stalls selling colorful souvenirs, carts offering pretzels, warm steamed chestnut, and sticky-chewy rainbow candy on a stick thronged the cobblestone walkways through the small park. The sights and smells of the lazy park gave way to a very chic avenue. A walk down the street seemed like a romantic odyssey between contemporary Europe and the Middle Eastern. Great looking and impeccably-dressed folks, quaintly designed cafes, baklava and tea houses, continental food restaurants, a royal graveyard followed by a multitude of stores selling Turkish lamps, devil’s eye mementoes, carpets, and upholstery,a Turkish bath house, an old pillar doubling up as a feeding post for pigeons, and some distractingly handsome Turkish men left me at a loss of adjectives I can use to describe a city street in Sultan Ahmet. A mouth watering Mezze dinner coupled with an engaging chat with a charming waiter at the Beydagi restaurant later, I walked back to my hotel. The changing moods of Sultan Ahmet from the lively city street to the idle cobblestone walkways to the hotel had me captivated. Istanbul has a way of nudging you into history, century by century, and hauling you back into the present in a charming unpretentious way. In the few hours that I had known it, the mystifying montage of images and tales that was Sultan Ahmet had me up late that night, like a girl new in love anxiously waiting for the next day to come so we may meet again.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
The audacious curiosity of an outsider
What moulds us, what brings kindred spirits together, what makes cultures territorial? What makes one an outsider? Can one REALLY ever blend in if one tried?
The variegated scope of culture has always fascinated me. It is evolving. It is polychotomous, and multidimensional, and yet you can pretend to trace the roots to one origin. It binds. It divides. It is dynamic and yet its character remains constant, to "go back" to or borrow from. It is that safe place that you can retreat to, to calm the chaos in your life.
I have been drawn to new cultures and its people. I have been an observer and an implementer of cultures; always beginning as an outsider, trying to learn the ways of the people within, trying to take in what i can, in an effort to make it act with my own nascent elements. Its always been an exercize that involved effort, and left a rewarding soreness in the parts of my mind that I rarely acknowledged.
I've enjoyed being the outsider. I have loved the feeling of being foreign, unrecognized, unanswerable, and unpredictable. And then the feeling of being malleable, mouldable, adaptable, changeable. But then an outsider is a dirty word; someone who is a threat or a disturbance to harmony. The wanderlust in me usually places me in that spot. But somehow although it has been a setback, and a frustrating one at that, i have never been deterred by the stigma to hesitate from stepping into newer waters and pre-inhabited spaces. It has amused me that in new societies I am eyed with curiosity, disgust, wonderment, awe even. It scares me in retrospect that my defences are not in place where they should be in untread territory. A friend once called it courage, i believe it is naievete. Fed by curiosity. I continue to explore cultures unabashedly, with no respect for defences, impressions, opinions or consequence.
The variegated scope of culture has always fascinated me. It is evolving. It is polychotomous, and multidimensional, and yet you can pretend to trace the roots to one origin. It binds. It divides. It is dynamic and yet its character remains constant, to "go back" to or borrow from. It is that safe place that you can retreat to, to calm the chaos in your life.
I have been drawn to new cultures and its people. I have been an observer and an implementer of cultures; always beginning as an outsider, trying to learn the ways of the people within, trying to take in what i can, in an effort to make it act with my own nascent elements. Its always been an exercize that involved effort, and left a rewarding soreness in the parts of my mind that I rarely acknowledged.
I've enjoyed being the outsider. I have loved the feeling of being foreign, unrecognized, unanswerable, and unpredictable. And then the feeling of being malleable, mouldable, adaptable, changeable. But then an outsider is a dirty word; someone who is a threat or a disturbance to harmony. The wanderlust in me usually places me in that spot. But somehow although it has been a setback, and a frustrating one at that, i have never been deterred by the stigma to hesitate from stepping into newer waters and pre-inhabited spaces. It has amused me that in new societies I am eyed with curiosity, disgust, wonderment, awe even. It scares me in retrospect that my defences are not in place where they should be in untread territory. A friend once called it courage, i believe it is naievete. Fed by curiosity. I continue to explore cultures unabashedly, with no respect for defences, impressions, opinions or consequence.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
...because i've thought of finishing what ive started
Day 12 – How did I find out about Twitter and why I’m on it?
I did not, and i am not. I have never been much of a "feel it share it" kinda person except in my own private circles, who dont need twitter :)Day 13 – A letter to someone who has hurt me recently.
Well, honey, you have done some things and said some words that have felt quite hurtful, and although i know and understand that your sensibilities do not allow you to recognize that this behaviour maybe hurtful, I will take some time to filter all your words through this rationality. In the meanwhile, you may find me of dwindling temperament and confounding disposition, but soon, you should find me somewhere between great and super. Hope we see it through to that day, i would love to know you from a place where you cannot hurt me, because after all is said and done you have been one of the most real people ive come across.
Day 14 – A picture that says a lot.
Day 15 – Put iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?
Something stupid. Better together. Pocketful of sunshine. My humps. Taking back my love. Brighter than sunshine. Blow. Where them girls at. Almost lover. Lucky.
.
Day 17 – Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Samantha Brown perhaps. Because all her days seem very interesting. :)
Day 18 – Plans/dreams/goals I have?
To stay purposeful and proud/to run over the rainbow/to stand at the end and feel a glow.
Day 19 – Nicknames I have; why do I have them?
Chim; haha! i wish i knew why i have this name. I guess it is a product of all the gibberish that an adult converses with a child in. But its adorable! :)
Day 20 – Someone I see myself marrying/being with in the future?
A man who can smile at me flying and laugh at himself.
Day 21 – A picture of something that makes me happy.
Day 22 – What makes me different from everyone else?
Day 23 – Something I crave for a lot?
A constant kindred spirit.
Day 24 – A letter to the parents?
This one cannot be just answer 24. It deserves a post of its own. :)
Day 25- What would you find in my bag?
Chocolates, lip balm, keys, money, tissues and a smiley stress ball.
Day 26 – What you think about you are your friends?
Because this question makes no sense i am not answering it :)
Because this question makes no sense i am not answering it :)
Day 27 – Why am I doing this 30 day challenge?
Pushing thoughts around. :)
Day 28 – A picture of me from last year and now, how have I changed since then?
No, no no, im not doing this. I have changed completely and no picture exhibits that enough.
Day 29 – In this past month, what have I learned?
That nobody can be forced to "fit" with you against their will. Human will is quite obstinate.
Day 30 – Who am I?
There is no answer to this question, i am in a state of evolution i am not at pace with myself. :) someday, in a moment of clarity, i shall answer this.
There is no answer to this question, i am in a state of evolution i am not at pace with myself. :) someday, in a moment of clarity, i shall answer this.
Monday, November 21, 2011
still trudging on my personal "writer" project..
I started this with aplomb, and am determined to finish it, as my writer's block continues its psychotherapy (I continue to call myself a writer :))
Here are my next five exercizes that i will attend to in one breath:
Day 06 – Favorite super hero and why?:
Does Alladin count? He did some really incredible stuff! No? OK, so if we are talking strictly superheroes, I would choose Mr. Incredible :) For those who live in the "real" world, Mr Incredible is an animated big-town man who is a superhero by birth, had incredulous strength and magnificent reflexes, who fell in love with and married "Elastagirl" and they had superhero babies, but he was bound to matrimony and domesticized to a home-at-six desk job, away from his thrilling life. He stayed, furtively, on the crime fighting scene despite his admonishing wife. :) You have to see him squeeze his burly frame into his tiny vestibule of a car and drive to work by day and sneak out at night to crime-fight-cheat his wife by night to love him. :) He's downright adorable. :)
Day 07 – A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me.
Happily, I do not have anyone like this. :) Everyone ive met and who has made an impact on me has done it in spoonfuls at a time, and impacts have waxed and waned enough to not qualify anybody for this blogpost, no matter how creative i choose to be. :)
Day 08 – Short term goals for this month and why?
Oh, that's easy! I want to plan my first lone-vacation :) And i'm taking one goal at a time, given my habit of piling my plate and running around with it. :)
Day 09 – Something I’m proud of in the past few days.
Oh, I am on my own in a new city, and I'm doing just fine so far. Adventurous enough, cautious enough. :)
Day 10 – Songs I listen to when Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Happy song: Beach boys: Wouldn't it be nice
Sad song: I don't really listen to songs when i am sad. :p Cant answer this honestly.
Bored: The Radio.
Hyper: Jason Mraz (nowadays)
Mad: Again, I don't think i would listen to any song when i am mad, i might just put on music and distract myself with it.
That's five exercizes at one go! :) I'll be back soon, only five to go before I "graduate!" :)
Ciao!
Here are my next five exercizes that i will attend to in one breath:
Day 06 – Favorite super hero and why?:
Does Alladin count? He did some really incredible stuff! No? OK, so if we are talking strictly superheroes, I would choose Mr. Incredible :) For those who live in the "real" world, Mr Incredible is an animated big-town man who is a superhero by birth, had incredulous strength and magnificent reflexes, who fell in love with and married "Elastagirl" and they had superhero babies, but he was bound to matrimony and domesticized to a home-at-six desk job, away from his thrilling life. He stayed, furtively, on the crime fighting scene despite his admonishing wife. :) You have to see him squeeze his burly frame into his tiny vestibule of a car and drive to work by day and sneak out at night to crime-fight-cheat his wife by night to love him. :) He's downright adorable. :)
Day 07 – A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me.
Happily, I do not have anyone like this. :) Everyone ive met and who has made an impact on me has done it in spoonfuls at a time, and impacts have waxed and waned enough to not qualify anybody for this blogpost, no matter how creative i choose to be. :)
Day 08 – Short term goals for this month and why?
Oh, that's easy! I want to plan my first lone-vacation :) And i'm taking one goal at a time, given my habit of piling my plate and running around with it. :)
Day 09 – Something I’m proud of in the past few days.
Oh, I am on my own in a new city, and I'm doing just fine so far. Adventurous enough, cautious enough. :)
Day 10 – Songs I listen to when Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Happy song: Beach boys: Wouldn't it be nice
Sad song: I don't really listen to songs when i am sad. :p Cant answer this honestly.
Bored: The Radio.
Hyper: Jason Mraz (nowadays)
Mad: Again, I don't think i would listen to any song when i am mad, i might just put on music and distract myself with it.
That's five exercizes at one go! :) I'll be back soon, only five to go before I "graduate!" :)
Ciao!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A habit i wish i didn't have..
I have so many habits i wish i didn't have, it has been quite a task, picking and choosing, while writing this post. But one particular habit that has been annoying me with how pervasive it is in all my thoughts and emotions, is how i stop myself (and now the habit expresses itself as naturally as method) from indulging myself, making myself happy, in ways that are silly or not.
A friend has recently observed that i am quite complacent, and easy to placate, because i don't REALLY want anything, so can do with most things. I suppose that makes me a very accommodating and easy going girl, but i did not like the sound of that. And A lot of profound introspection revealed that I live in a guilt ridden world where pleasures are met with guilt. In my head, everything pleasure inducing is filtered out before it maybe translated to action. I have not yet figured out why (i guess my introspection was not so deep after-all), but i suppose it stems from my natural tendency to keep to myself. I am not expressive and outgoing about my preferences, like i am not forthcoming about myself to most people. I hate to think that my preference might come in the way of what another is thinking or devising. I have been pushing all my desires to the backseat, so far back that now when i turned to find them, i could not locate any that could validate the me that is today.
So here's to dropping a bad habit, getting to know myself, and living accordingly. :) :) and this time, i know i've got it right! :)
A friend has recently observed that i am quite complacent, and easy to placate, because i don't REALLY want anything, so can do with most things. I suppose that makes me a very accommodating and easy going girl, but i did not like the sound of that. And A lot of profound introspection revealed that I live in a guilt ridden world where pleasures are met with guilt. In my head, everything pleasure inducing is filtered out before it maybe translated to action. I have not yet figured out why (i guess my introspection was not so deep after-all), but i suppose it stems from my natural tendency to keep to myself. I am not expressive and outgoing about my preferences, like i am not forthcoming about myself to most people. I hate to think that my preference might come in the way of what another is thinking or devising. I have been pushing all my desires to the backseat, so far back that now when i turned to find them, i could not locate any that could validate the me that is today.
So here's to dropping a bad habit, getting to know myself, and living accordingly. :) :) and this time, i know i've got it right! :)
A picture of me and some friends :)
This is only prt of the exercize; i really do not have a picture with all my friends, but heres two of my forever-girls :)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The meaning behind my blog name
When i began writing this blog, it was only for a couple of friends who insisted that i keep writing. We were all in transition: career, further studies, trans-continental shift, marriage! Life had set in, like everyone had said it would, and we weren't going to be around each other anymore. Suddenly everything we had to say to each other, and everyday we spent with each other had become very significant.
And on a parting note, several of my girls told me "keep writing, and keep sharing your writing with us". I had not written for months then, and i hadn't thought i could write again. But they were very effective :) And I created this blog.
I named it "around the world in 300 days" after a very life-altering year, that had morphed me into a new individual who had to determine her identity all over again. But the blog was originally named "inside a yellow rosebud", in cheesy and childish memory of a once-special time that i shared with my best friends forever, there was a once-special boy, and because of him, a yellow rosebud that figured somewhere in the story. :)
I've lived more years since than i've actually grown, but times like those remain a large part of what defines me and my choices. :) So there, that was my blog name, drawn from the purest portion of my life of joy and sharing and believing in forever.
And on a parting note, several of my girls told me "keep writing, and keep sharing your writing with us". I had not written for months then, and i hadn't thought i could write again. But they were very effective :) And I created this blog.
I named it "around the world in 300 days" after a very life-altering year, that had morphed me into a new individual who had to determine her identity all over again. But the blog was originally named "inside a yellow rosebud", in cheesy and childish memory of a once-special time that i shared with my best friends forever, there was a once-special boy, and because of him, a yellow rosebud that figured somewhere in the story. :)
I've lived more years since than i've actually grown, but times like those remain a large part of what defines me and my choices. :) So there, that was my blog name, drawn from the purest portion of my life of joy and sharing and believing in forever.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Much delayed (nods disapprovingly) :(
Why I close this blog window everytime i open it to write eludes me. And in the spirit of the flavor of the season, to js do it, here I am, writing again in the face of the ridiculous inhibition that i have nurtured to write again.
And to keep promises, here is my first exercize in introspect and de-shelling; 15 not known facts about me:
1) i am a control freak; anything going out of control alerts, an SOS within me, and i struggle obsessively to normalize it to what i can only call "the last settings that functioned"
2) I am stubornly resistant to good advise, even when i ask for it, till the time i learn my own lessons.
3) I thrive on change. (so far) when i get too comfortable, i get uneasy, and I want to grow out of it; i call it evolution, and hope that it doesnt call for a survival of the fittest. :)
4) I need hugs like nourishment.
5) I am very receptive to horror movies; even the worse of these movies cleverly nests in my mind with its images and sounds and keeps coming back.. brrr.. :(
6) I NEED something to read in the bathroom; and don't ask me why, i wouldn't know :)
7) I believed, when i was a kid, that there is a monster under my bed, i could never stand next to my bed in the dark because i was SO sure a monster would pull me under with its sinewy arms, well, I still have that fear.
8) I have some kind of deep seated fundamental repulsion for "boy-smells". Very very often i hold my breath in elevators when there is at least one boy in there.
9) I am horrified of elevators, its a fear i have not been able to overcome, i have only leanred to assume the required decorum so i dont appear like a 28-year old retard everytime i get into an elevator.
10) I may have OCD; to me, nothing is ever clean enough.
11) I stay silent in disagreement more often than not, and usually seem to not be affected by how my opinion comes across, i treat my opinions as my own to have, use, and change :) offshoots from the stubborn-ness, but in a good way i guess.
12) Unless if someone is really interesting me, i drift off into my own thoughts while maintaining an impeccable expression of attention and interest, complete with the right noises.
13) I HATE being the centre of attention anywhere at any time no matter how flattering it may seem. I am not asocial, i just lack knowledge of the socially relevant methods that are used to handle attention.
14) I lack any kind of useful wisdom. :( Sad but true. Everything i know is from my own experiences, which have been anything but conventional.
15) I hurt easily, anyone being disappointed in me, angry with me, deceitful, unfair, loud and injurious, caustic, even in the smallest degree, can hurt me very much and very invisibly.
:) And this is the me that some souls on earth know, but some may not. It was hard enough for me to list things about my own self, goes to prove what i always knew, my life always pointed outwards, but 2011 and 2012 are going to be inside me :) cheers to that! more soon (and i mean very soon).
-Simin
Why I close this blog window everytime i open it to write eludes me. And in the spirit of the flavor of the season, to js do it, here I am, writing again in the face of the ridiculous inhibition that i have nurtured to write again.
And to keep promises, here is my first exercize in introspect and de-shelling; 15 not known facts about me:
1) i am a control freak; anything going out of control alerts, an SOS within me, and i struggle obsessively to normalize it to what i can only call "the last settings that functioned"
2) I am stubornly resistant to good advise, even when i ask for it, till the time i learn my own lessons.
3) I thrive on change. (so far) when i get too comfortable, i get uneasy, and I want to grow out of it; i call it evolution, and hope that it doesnt call for a survival of the fittest. :)
4) I need hugs like nourishment.
5) I am very receptive to horror movies; even the worse of these movies cleverly nests in my mind with its images and sounds and keeps coming back.. brrr.. :(
6) I NEED something to read in the bathroom; and don't ask me why, i wouldn't know :)
7) I believed, when i was a kid, that there is a monster under my bed, i could never stand next to my bed in the dark because i was SO sure a monster would pull me under with its sinewy arms, well, I still have that fear.
8) I have some kind of deep seated fundamental repulsion for "boy-smells". Very very often i hold my breath in elevators when there is at least one boy in there.
9) I am horrified of elevators, its a fear i have not been able to overcome, i have only leanred to assume the required decorum so i dont appear like a 28-year old retard everytime i get into an elevator.
10) I may have OCD; to me, nothing is ever clean enough.
11) I stay silent in disagreement more often than not, and usually seem to not be affected by how my opinion comes across, i treat my opinions as my own to have, use, and change :) offshoots from the stubborn-ness, but in a good way i guess.
12) Unless if someone is really interesting me, i drift off into my own thoughts while maintaining an impeccable expression of attention and interest, complete with the right noises.
13) I HATE being the centre of attention anywhere at any time no matter how flattering it may seem. I am not asocial, i just lack knowledge of the socially relevant methods that are used to handle attention.
14) I lack any kind of useful wisdom. :( Sad but true. Everything i know is from my own experiences, which have been anything but conventional.
15) I hurt easily, anyone being disappointed in me, angry with me, deceitful, unfair, loud and injurious, caustic, even in the smallest degree, can hurt me very much and very invisibly.
:) And this is the me that some souls on earth know, but some may not. It was hard enough for me to list things about my own self, goes to prove what i always knew, my life always pointed outwards, but 2011 and 2012 are going to be inside me :) cheers to that! more soon (and i mean very soon).
-Simin
Friday, January 14, 2011
letter to me
So,
Its been over a year since i shared something here. Perhaps there wasn't anything really worth sharing, or perhaps it was a verbal inadequacy, for all that could have been written. Anyhow, I burned out all the lame excuses that kept presenting themselves, and got to the real reason: I am Lazy. And I am not proud!
Today i though, what the heck, here it goes: an overwhelming multitude of unprocessed thoughts, that i have been rudely piling on my previously categorized musings making me quite the knot.
Gathering the bearings of my rusted introspection, and with a desire to absolve myself of some suspect intentions that have come with being in the "big bad world", I take a few snap shots in rear view.
In most of my past year mental images, I see myself with a bewildered heart dangling from my sleeve, and i am surprized by it! Here i was thinking that I am learning the art of smooth pretention and finer social skills, but I have been more impulsive and undecided in the last year than I have ever been. 2010 was a year of defeated philosophies, unchanged faith, renewed spirit, and rounding off of my external being.
I learned that everubody who smiles does not really mean to, that compassion is a rare quality to find, that being unaware is a very limiting handicap, that trust is not so easy to give anymore, and that I am three very well segregated people congruently placed in one mind, in a constant state of conflict (I extrapolate this to growing up to adulthood).
And that I have very frequent writer's blocks. (i will pretend to be a writer here :))
So, before I burn holes in my mental web with sudden and unaccustomed introspection, i though i could delve into some spots of thought that could jog my mind into this direction and that. Call it warm up if you wish! I borrowed this from another blogger, as an exercize, beginning soon :)
Day 01 – 15 not known facts about me.
Day 02 – The meaning behind my blog name.
Day 03 – A picture of me and friends.
Day 04 – A habit that I wish I didn’t have?
Day 05 – A picture of somewhere I’ve been to.
Day 06 – Favorite super hero and why?
Day 07 – A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me.
Day 08 – Short term goals for this month and why?
Day 09 – Something I’m proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 – Songs I listen to when Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Day 11 – Another picture of me and friends.
Day 12 – How did I find out about Twitter and why I’m on it?
Day 13 – A letter to someone who has hurt me recently.
Day 14 – A picture that says a lot.
Day 15 – Put iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?
Day 16 – A picture of me.
Day 17 – Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Day 18 – Plans/dreams/goals I have?
Day 19 – Nicknames I have; why do I have them?
Day 20 – Someone I see myself marrying/being with in the future?
Day 21 – A picture of something that makes me happy.
Day 22 – What makes me different from everyone else?
Day 23 – Something I crave for a lot?
Day 24 – A letter to the parents?
Day 25- What would you find in my bag?
Day 26 – What you think about you are your friends?
Day 27 – Why am I doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28 – A picture of me from last year and now, how have I changed since then?
Day 29 – In this past month, what have I learned?
Day 30 – Who am I?
Until then!
Its been over a year since i shared something here. Perhaps there wasn't anything really worth sharing, or perhaps it was a verbal inadequacy, for all that could have been written. Anyhow, I burned out all the lame excuses that kept presenting themselves, and got to the real reason: I am Lazy. And I am not proud!
Today i though, what the heck, here it goes: an overwhelming multitude of unprocessed thoughts, that i have been rudely piling on my previously categorized musings making me quite the knot.
Gathering the bearings of my rusted introspection, and with a desire to absolve myself of some suspect intentions that have come with being in the "big bad world", I take a few snap shots in rear view.
In most of my past year mental images, I see myself with a bewildered heart dangling from my sleeve, and i am surprized by it! Here i was thinking that I am learning the art of smooth pretention and finer social skills, but I have been more impulsive and undecided in the last year than I have ever been. 2010 was a year of defeated philosophies, unchanged faith, renewed spirit, and rounding off of my external being.
I learned that everubody who smiles does not really mean to, that compassion is a rare quality to find, that being unaware is a very limiting handicap, that trust is not so easy to give anymore, and that I am three very well segregated people congruently placed in one mind, in a constant state of conflict (I extrapolate this to growing up to adulthood).
And that I have very frequent writer's blocks. (i will pretend to be a writer here :))
So, before I burn holes in my mental web with sudden and unaccustomed introspection, i though i could delve into some spots of thought that could jog my mind into this direction and that. Call it warm up if you wish! I borrowed this from another blogger, as an exercize, beginning soon :)
Day 01 – 15 not known facts about me.
Day 02 – The meaning behind my blog name.
Day 03 – A picture of me and friends.
Day 04 – A habit that I wish I didn’t have?
Day 05 – A picture of somewhere I’ve been to.
Day 06 – Favorite super hero and why?
Day 07 – A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me.
Day 08 – Short term goals for this month and why?
Day 09 – Something I’m proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 – Songs I listen to when Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Day 11 – Another picture of me and friends.
Day 12 – How did I find out about Twitter and why I’m on it?
Day 13 – A letter to someone who has hurt me recently.
Day 14 – A picture that says a lot.
Day 15 – Put iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?
Day 16 – A picture of me.
Day 17 – Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Day 18 – Plans/dreams/goals I have?
Day 19 – Nicknames I have; why do I have them?
Day 20 – Someone I see myself marrying/being with in the future?
Day 21 – A picture of something that makes me happy.
Day 22 – What makes me different from everyone else?
Day 23 – Something I crave for a lot?
Day 24 – A letter to the parents?
Day 25- What would you find in my bag?
Day 26 – What you think about you are your friends?
Day 27 – Why am I doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28 – A picture of me from last year and now, how have I changed since then?
Day 29 – In this past month, what have I learned?
Day 30 – Who am I?
Until then!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Hiding place
Today I awoke and felt like a knot,
Devoid of reason and ill-begot,
It grew unallayed with fresh torment,
It knew no mercy, nor how to relent.
The hours grew into one restless thirst,
Invading my veins and threatening to burst,
It was stripped of sense, completely bizarre,
Like an old wound agape, allowing no scar.
It weighed on my breath, dark and pure,
It had no design, but I knew the cure,
I reached for a hand, a sweet embrace,
And drowned the demon in my hiding place
Devoid of reason and ill-begot,
It grew unallayed with fresh torment,
It knew no mercy, nor how to relent.
The hours grew into one restless thirst,
Invading my veins and threatening to burst,
It was stripped of sense, completely bizarre,
Like an old wound agape, allowing no scar.
It weighed on my breath, dark and pure,
It had no design, but I knew the cure,
I reached for a hand, a sweet embrace,
And drowned the demon in my hiding place
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Overwhelmed....
It was a little more than a year ago when realization dawned on me, that i have something that i have always wanted. For the first time in life, an attachment was going to be easy and natural.
I had my head in the clouds and my feet in what can only be called shit. And he was that liberated soul with an attitude to match. I should have hated his guts and burned secret holes in his life with jealousy, he should have mocked me and made opinions of me as a deliberately screwed-up ridiculous girl. This was the plan. But what twist of fate made us friends is something that still bewilders me.
He was sweet, almost afraid to be sweet, always carefully reminding me that i should not form such an opinion of him, it doesn't really go with the rest of his image. I was amused, at the simple but audacious way he could brighten up an hour, an evening, a day a week... He was among a distant league of people, gregarious, outspoken, a total charmer. I saw him from that distance, fascinated and still amused. I was a shy, dilapidated girl who could not ingest the prospect of being the centre of anyone's attention, always content being the silent one. He lent me a new perspective. It was blinding seeing life with his eyes, uncomplicated, colorful, immediate and brilliant. I learnt the good old art of living in the present with him.. and this is where i started using words like "with him" and "us".. a mindless thought that would leave me laughing, there was no "us", he was still the soul in liberated flight, and i was still squinting to look up and marvel at him.
It takes a measure of equality to belong. There was no parameter that could satisfactorily equate us. The difference is still startling. He is Mr. i am in total control of my life, and i am still Miss. ok, i guess, maybe.. The common thread that binds us does not exist. I wonder what does. Like all things beautiful, it cannot be described. I have never before been bestowed this measure of understanding, respect and fair honest support. For the first time i wasn't feeling silly to say that angels do exist. He is a charming stark honest perfectly put together piece of work that i have an overwhelming urge to spoil him rotten with affection..
He has brought me the joy of a friend who is always there, he's shared with me his guileless ideas of how everything will always be alright, he has planted the roots of an ever elusive peace deep within me, he has been the reason for my happiness in many ways. I remain in awe, of him, his existence, his presence in my life, his audacity.. I am still a lost girl with my head out of the cloud, and my heart firmly lodged in his palms, in wonder of this feeling, with an urge not to blink or i will miss out on one more feeling of pure joy that he has endlessly wrapped me with :)
The pattern of destiny is not something i attempt to trace, but i know with permanence, that whatever happens ahead, i would have known an angel who let me look into his eyes enough to believe in forever...
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
measuring myself
It now alarms me how much importance we would give to relationships when we were younger.. for better or worse.. it brought to light several other concepts i over rate..
- fidelity, commitment, loyalty.. its the beginning and end of the world for me! and the strange part is that inspite of my acceptance that i over-emphasize the importance of "commitment", i can't bring myself down from there. Ask me what fidelity really means, i wouldn't know what to say. I had many thoeries, (here i'm purely on a love relationship) the predominant one has been that a person bringing some third into the same space of physical intimacy is performing a breach of loyalty, and then at some point it seemed that a person allowing a distraction, even encouraging it was unacceptable, and sometimes loyalty is put up against the most "unpassable" test of all.. if one enjoys attention from an "outsider", it is disloyalty, bad bad disloyalty.. Lately i've been thinking, i have seen all of the above, i have seen blatant cheating, secret affairs, virtual intimacy.. but none has felt quite right, when made anonymous with love.. this concept of loyalty feels like a load.. love is light.. where do these really even align..? have i always over rated loyalty? can i completely separate love from fidelity?
- acceptance.. i remain a firm believer of a thought that the biggest gift you can give someone is acceptance of the way they are.. in this spirit i accept things that are 'wrong' (don't get me started on wrong, i am not clear :p) i have chosen to love n live with things that have been wrong and hurtful.. all for the upliftment of the perennail glow of acceptance and appreciation.. i am coming to see the relevance of judgement, in my list of things to do, i have to install a filter, to accept the stuff that really is worth it.. easier said than done.. its like revamping my whole spirit, but i see how much it is required..
more later....
Thursday, August 27, 2009
life and blah
I stopped all my thoughts,
And shut them in a box,
To think them another day,
When joy comes abound,
And friends are around,
And words are easy to say…
But one thought escaped,
Took color and shape,
And found me alone one night,
I begged it be gone,
And left it forlorn,
And forced my eyes shut tight…
It stayed till I rose,
And always stayed close,
I humored it on for a while,
You see it sometimes,
In poem and rhyme,
Or the shadow that weighs down my smile
And shut them in a box,
To think them another day,
When joy comes abound,
And friends are around,
And words are easy to say…
But one thought escaped,
Took color and shape,
And found me alone one night,
I begged it be gone,
And left it forlorn,
And forced my eyes shut tight…
It stayed till I rose,
And always stayed close,
I humored it on for a while,
You see it sometimes,
In poem and rhyme,
Or the shadow that weighs down my smile
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Learning to use rear-view
There's a cliche, a given person grows old enough to talk about the "good old days" and say it with conviction "i don't have regrets" and make a simple statement "i screwed up, my bad".
These lines seem like something that i would say when I'd be 40, but here i am, saying them. For whatever reason living on your own brings you more perspective and like sunsets make most people sentimental, i looked back on my life. And i saw something i have never seen before.. clarity. How often I've talked of life like a blur.. and yet when i was not paying attention, my life was adjusting my own peering lens into focus..
There has been purposelessness, spontaneity, pointless passions, randomness, misunderstanding, and we sure did wear our hearts on our sleeve, with an ease that now seems endearing. And in this bout of retrospect, i envisioned these barely differentiated brushstrokes in the designs of my past. I saw how common blood does not define who we are and what we become, i saw that our mistakes are only new walls broken down and new windows to your soul opened, i saw that the decisions i had made were in the true passion of the moment, they lacked foresight but they were full of my soul, and i saw that regrets are only opportunities making themselves visible for the life yet to be lived....
....and i saw that it is true, i have truly had some "good old days", i have "no real regrets" and that "i have screwed up", but a qaurter of a century's worth life has been good. :)
These lines seem like something that i would say when I'd be 40, but here i am, saying them. For whatever reason living on your own brings you more perspective and like sunsets make most people sentimental, i looked back on my life. And i saw something i have never seen before.. clarity. How often I've talked of life like a blur.. and yet when i was not paying attention, my life was adjusting my own peering lens into focus..
There has been purposelessness, spontaneity, pointless passions, randomness, misunderstanding, and we sure did wear our hearts on our sleeve, with an ease that now seems endearing. And in this bout of retrospect, i envisioned these barely differentiated brushstrokes in the designs of my past. I saw how common blood does not define who we are and what we become, i saw that our mistakes are only new walls broken down and new windows to your soul opened, i saw that the decisions i had made were in the true passion of the moment, they lacked foresight but they were full of my soul, and i saw that regrets are only opportunities making themselves visible for the life yet to be lived....
....and i saw that it is true, i have truly had some "good old days", i have "no real regrets" and that "i have screwed up", but a qaurter of a century's worth life has been good. :)
Monday, April 06, 2009
dum de dah...
i haven't written in long! i guess that's a product of a lack of introspect in the last couple of months, or the brilliant changes in my life, my self, perceptions...
it is a new feeling to me, words darting about in my head, not waiting enough for me to catch them n put them down on this keyboard.. i am writing this post just to stay connected, like i used to. change is beautiful and scary...
i have, in fact, changed....
it is a new feeling to me, words darting about in my head, not waiting enough for me to catch them n put them down on this keyboard.. i am writing this post just to stay connected, like i used to. change is beautiful and scary...
i have, in fact, changed....
Friday, January 09, 2009
doubt interrupted....
he was afraid she didn't know
that he loved her the way she was
she was afraid he didn't hear
what she said when she took a pause
he held her hand and sang to her
he tried to mend her broken smile
she heard the words and felt the warmth
but searched his eyes for doubt and guile
he saw the cloud inside her head
and held her close, to show he's there
she wondered why he wouldn't speak
and told herself he didn't care
he held her long, she fell asleep
he smiled, relieved, turned the lights dim
he slept that night thinking, now, she's fine
she awoke, convinced, she's losing him.....
that he loved her the way she was
she was afraid he didn't hear
what she said when she took a pause
he held her hand and sang to her
he tried to mend her broken smile
she heard the words and felt the warmth
but searched his eyes for doubt and guile
he saw the cloud inside her head
and held her close, to show he's there
she wondered why he wouldn't speak
and told herself he didn't care
he held her long, she fell asleep
he smiled, relieved, turned the lights dim
he slept that night thinking, now, she's fine
she awoke, convinced, she's losing him.....
Thursday, October 30, 2008
beauty in a blur
is that air you breathing girl?
that purple light in morning skies?
seems you aren't who you were thinking,
tomorrow's here, time flies
have you thought where you are?
run, girl... run
creation's going crazy on you,
yet you slipping so calmly on,
looks like you going to remember,
the way a self is born
keep those eyes open now,
and run girl... run
you find a hand in yours, you smile,
too blurred to see faces yet,
look back, look forth, there's only light,
but you're free, unbound, you've lost the net
hold on tight, we're speeding now,
just run girl.... run
that purple light in morning skies?
seems you aren't who you were thinking,
tomorrow's here, time flies
have you thought where you are?
run, girl... run
creation's going crazy on you,
yet you slipping so calmly on,
looks like you going to remember,
the way a self is born
keep those eyes open now,
and run girl... run
you find a hand in yours, you smile,
too blurred to see faces yet,
look back, look forth, there's only light,
but you're free, unbound, you've lost the net
hold on tight, we're speeding now,
just run girl.... run
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