letter to me

So,

Its been over a year since i shared something here. Perhaps there wasn't anything really worth sharing, or perhaps it was a verbal inadequacy, for all that could have been written. Anyhow, I burned out all the lame excuses that kept presenting themselves, and got to the real reason: I am Lazy. And I am not proud!

Today i though, what the heck, here it goes: an overwhelming multitude of unprocessed thoughts, that i have been rudely piling on my previously categorized musings making me quite the knot.

Gathering the bearings of my rusted introspection, and with a desire to absolve myself of some suspect intentions that have come with being in the "big bad world", I take a few snap shots in rear view.

In most of my past year mental images, I see myself with a bewildered heart dangling from my sleeve, and i am surprized by it! Here i was thinking that I am learning the art of smooth pretention and finer social skills, but I have been more impulsive and undecided in the last year than I have ever been. 2010 was a year of defeated philosophies, unchanged faith, renewed spirit, and rounding off of my external being.

I learned that everubody who smiles does not really mean to, that compassion is a rare quality to find, that being unaware is a very limiting handicap, that trust is not so easy to give anymore, and that I am three very well segregated people congruently placed in one mind, in a constant state of conflict (I extrapolate this to growing up to adulthood).

And that I have very frequent writer's blocks. (i will pretend to be a writer here :))

So, before I burn holes in my mental web with sudden and unaccustomed introspection, i though i could delve into some spots of thought that could jog my mind into this direction and that. Call it warm up if you wish! I borrowed this from another blogger, as an exercize, beginning soon :)


Day 01 – 15 not known facts about me.
Day 02 – The meaning behind my blog name.
Day 03 – A picture of me and friends.
Day 04 – A habit that I wish I didn’t have?
Day 05 – A picture of somewhere I’ve been to.
Day 06 – Favorite super hero and why?
Day 07 – A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on me.
Day 08 – Short term goals for this month and why?
Day 09 – Something I’m proud of in the past few days.
Day 10 – Songs I listen to when Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Day 11 – Another picture of me and friends.
Day 12 – How did I find out about Twitter and why I’m on it?
Day 13 – A letter to someone who has hurt me recently.
Day 14 – A picture that says a lot.
Day 15 – Put iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play?
Day 16 – A picture of me.
Day 17 – Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Day 18 – Plans/dreams/goals I have?
Day 19 – Nicknames I have; why do I have them?
Day 20 – Someone I see myself marrying/being with in the future?
Day 21 – A picture of something that makes me happy.
Day 22 – What makes me different from everyone else?
Day 23 – Something I crave for a lot?
Day 24 – A letter to the parents?
Day 25- What would you find in my bag?
Day 26 – What you think about you are your friends?
Day 27 – Why am I doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28 – A picture of me from last year and now, how have I changed since then?
Day 29 – In this past month, what have I learned?
Day 30 – Who am I?

Until then!

Hiding place

Today I awoke and felt like a knot,
Devoid of reason and ill-begot,
It grew unallayed with fresh torment,
It knew no mercy, nor how to relent.

The hours grew into one restless thirst,
Invading my veins and threatening to burst,
It was stripped of sense, completely bizarre,
Like an old wound agape, allowing no scar.

It weighed on my breath, dark and pure,
It had no design, but I knew the cure,
I reached for a hand, a sweet embrace,
And drowned the demon in my hiding place

Overwhelmed....

It was a little more than a year ago when realization dawned on me, that i have something that i have always wanted. For the first time in life, an attachment was going to be easy and natural.

I had my head in the clouds and my feet in what can only be called shit. And he was that liberated soul with an attitude to match. I should have hated his guts and burned secret holes in his life with jealousy, he should have mocked me and made opinions of me as a deliberately screwed-up ridiculous girl. This was the plan. But what twist of fate made us friends is something that still bewilders me.

He was sweet, almost afraid to be sweet, always carefully reminding me that i should not form such an opinion of him, it doesn't really go with the rest of his image. I was amused, at the simple but audacious way he could brighten up an hour, an evening, a day a week... He was among a distant league of people, gregarious, outspoken, a total charmer. I saw him from that distance, fascinated and still amused. I was a shy, dilapidated girl who could not ingest the prospect of being the centre of anyone's attention, always content being the silent one. He lent me a new perspective. It was blinding seeing life with his eyes, uncomplicated, colorful, immediate and brilliant. I learnt the good old art of living in the present with him.. and this is where i started using words like "with him" and "us".. a mindless thought that would leave me laughing, there was no "us", he was still the soul in liberated flight, and i was still squinting to look up and marvel at him.

It takes a measure of equality to belong. There was no parameter that could satisfactorily equate us. The difference is still startling. He is Mr. i am in total control of my life, and i am still Miss. ok, i guess, maybe.. The common thread that binds us does not exist. I wonder what does. Like all things beautiful, it cannot be described. I have never before been bestowed this measure of understanding, respect and fair honest support. For the first time i wasn't feeling silly to say that angels do exist. He is a charming stark honest perfectly put together piece of work that i have an overwhelming urge to spoil him rotten with affection..

He has brought me the joy of a friend who is always there, he's shared with me his guileless ideas of how everything will always be alright, he has planted the roots of an ever elusive peace deep within me, he has been the reason for my happiness in many ways. I remain in awe, of him, his existence, his presence in my life, his audacity.. I am still a lost girl with my head out of the cloud, and my heart firmly lodged in his palms, in wonder of this feeling, with an urge not to blink or i will miss out on one more feeling of pure joy that he has endlessly wrapped me with :)

The pattern of destiny is not something i attempt to trace, but i know with permanence, that whatever happens ahead, i would have known an angel who let me look into his eyes enough to believe in forever...

measuring myself

It now alarms me how much importance we would give to relationships when we were younger.. for better or worse.. it brought to light several other concepts i over rate..

• fidelity, commitment, loyalty.. its the beginning and end of the world for me! and the strange part is that inspite of my acceptance that i over-emphasize the importance of "commitment", i can't bring myself down from there. Ask me what fidelity really means, i wouldn't know what to say. I had many thoeries, (here i'm purely on a love relationship) the predominant one has been that a person bringing some third into the same space of physical intimacy is performing a breach of loyalty, and then at some point it seemed that a person allowing a distraction, even encouraging it was unacceptable, and sometimes loyalty is put up against the most "unpassable" test of all.. if one enjoys attention from an "outsider", it is disloyalty, bad bad disloyalty.. Lately i've been thinking, i have seen all of the above, i have seen blatant cheating, secret affairs, virtual intimacy.. but none has felt quite right, when made anonymous with love.. this concept of loyalty feels like a load.. love is light.. where do these really even align..? have i always over rated loyalty? can i completely separate love from fidelity?
• acceptance.. i remain a firm believer of a thought that the biggest gift you can give someone is acceptance of the way they are.. in this spirit i accept things that are 'wrong' (don't get me started on wrong, i am not clear :p) i have chosen to love n live with things that have been wrong and hurtful.. all for the upliftment of the perennail glow of acceptance and appreciation.. i am coming to see the relevance of judgement, in my list of things to do, i have to install a filter, to accept the stuff that really is worth it.. easier said than done.. its like revamping my whole spirit, but i see how much it is required..

more later....

life and blah

I stopped all my thoughts,
And shut them in a box,
To think them another day,

When joy comes abound,
And friends are around,
And words are easy to say…

But one thought escaped,
Took color and shape,
And found me alone one night,

I begged it be gone,
And left it forlorn,
And forced my eyes shut tight…

It stayed till I rose,
And always stayed close,
I humored it on for a while,

You see it sometimes,
In poem and rhyme,
Or the shadow that weighs down my smile