Hiding place

Today I awoke and felt like a knot,
Devoid of reason and ill-begot,
It grew unallayed with fresh torment,
It knew no mercy, nor how to relent.

The hours grew into one restless thirst,
Invading my veins and threatening to burst,
It was stripped of sense, completely bizarre,
Like an old wound agape, allowing no scar.

It weighed on my breath, dark and pure,
It had no design, but I knew the cure,
I reached for a hand, a sweet embrace,
And drowned the demon in my hiding place

Overwhelmed....

It was a little more than a year ago when realization dawned on me, that i have something that i have always wanted. For the first time in life, an attachment was going to be easy and natural.

I had my head in the clouds and my feet in what can only be called shit. And he was that liberated soul with an attitude to match. I should have hated his guts and burned secret holes in his life with jealousy, he should have mocked me and made opinions of me as a deliberately screwed-up ridiculous girl. This was the plan. But what twist of fate made us friends is something that still bewilders me.

He was sweet, almost afraid to be sweet, always carefully reminding me that i should not form such an opinion of him, it doesn't really go with the rest of his image. I was amused, at the simple but audacious way he could brighten up an hour, an evening, a day a week... He was among a distant league of people, gregarious, outspoken, a total charmer. I saw him from that distance, fascinated and still amused. I was a shy, dilapidated girl who could not ingest the prospect of being the centre of anyone's attention, always content being the silent one. He lent me a new perspective. It was blinding seeing life with his eyes, uncomplicated, colorful, immediate and brilliant. I learnt the good old art of living in the present with him.. and this is where i started using words like "with him" and "us".. a mindless thought that would leave me laughing, there was no "us", he was still the soul in liberated flight, and i was still squinting to look up and marvel at him.

It takes a measure of equality to belong. There was no parameter that could satisfactorily equate us. The difference is still startling. He is Mr. i am in total control of my life, and i am still Miss. ok, i guess, maybe.. The common thread that binds us does not exist. I wonder what does. Like all things beautiful, it cannot be described. I have never before been bestowed this measure of understanding, respect and fair honest support. For the first time i wasn't feeling silly to say that angels do exist. He is a charming stark honest perfectly put together piece of work that i have an overwhelming urge to spoil him rotten with affection..

He has brought me the joy of a friend who is always there, he's shared with me his guileless ideas of how everything will always be alright, he has planted the roots of an ever elusive peace deep within me, he has been the reason for my happiness in many ways. I remain in awe, of him, his existence, his presence in my life, his audacity.. I am still a lost girl with my head out of the cloud, and my heart firmly lodged in his palms, in wonder of this feeling, with an urge not to blink or i will miss out on one more feeling of pure joy that he has endlessly wrapped me with :)

The pattern of destiny is not something i attempt to trace, but i know with permanence, that whatever happens ahead, i would have known an angel who let me look into his eyes enough to believe in forever...

measuring myself

It now alarms me how much importance we would give to relationships when we were younger.. for better or worse.. it brought to light several other concepts i over rate..

• fidelity, commitment, loyalty.. its the beginning and end of the world for me! and the strange part is that inspite of my acceptance that i over-emphasize the importance of "commitment", i can't bring myself down from there. Ask me what fidelity really means, i wouldn't know what to say. I had many thoeries, (here i'm purely on a love relationship) the predominant one has been that a person bringing some third into the same space of physical intimacy is performing a breach of loyalty, and then at some point it seemed that a person allowing a distraction, even encouraging it was unacceptable, and sometimes loyalty is put up against the most "unpassable" test of all.. if one enjoys attention from an "outsider", it is disloyalty, bad bad disloyalty.. Lately i've been thinking, i have seen all of the above, i have seen blatant cheating, secret affairs, virtual intimacy.. but none has felt quite right, when made anonymous with love.. this concept of loyalty feels like a load.. love is light.. where do these really even align..? have i always over rated loyalty? can i completely separate love from fidelity?
• acceptance.. i remain a firm believer of a thought that the biggest gift you can give someone is acceptance of the way they are.. in this spirit i accept things that are 'wrong' (don't get me started on wrong, i am not clear :p) i have chosen to love n live with things that have been wrong and hurtful.. all for the upliftment of the perennail glow of acceptance and appreciation.. i am coming to see the relevance of judgement, in my list of things to do, i have to install a filter, to accept the stuff that really is worth it.. easier said than done.. its like revamping my whole spirit, but i see how much it is required..

more later....

life and blah

I stopped all my thoughts,
And shut them in a box,
To think them another day,

When joy comes abound,
And friends are around,
And words are easy to say…

But one thought escaped,
Took color and shape,
And found me alone one night,

I begged it be gone,
And left it forlorn,
And forced my eyes shut tight…

It stayed till I rose,
And always stayed close,
I humored it on for a while,

You see it sometimes,
In poem and rhyme,
Or the shadow that weighs down my smile

Learning to use rear-view

There's a cliche, a given person grows old enough to talk about the "good old days" and say it with conviction "i don't have regrets" and make a simple statement "i screwed up, my bad".

These lines seem like something that i would say when I'd be 40, but here i am, saying them. For whatever reason living on your own brings you more perspective and like sunsets make most people sentimental, i looked back on my life. And i saw something i have never seen before.. clarity. How often I've talked of life like a blur.. and yet when i was not paying attention, my life was adjusting my own peering lens into focus..

There has been purposelessness, spontaneity, pointless passions, randomness, misunderstanding, and we sure did wear our hearts on our sleeve, with an ease that now seems endearing. And in this bout of retrospect, i envisioned these barely differentiated brushstrokes in the designs of my past. I saw how common blood does not define who we are and what we become, i saw that our mistakes are only new walls broken down and new windows to your soul opened, i saw that the decisions i had made were in the true passion of the moment, they lacked foresight but they were full of my soul, and i saw that regrets are only opportunities making themselves visible for the life yet to be lived....

....and i saw that it is true, i have truly had some "good old days", i have "no real regrets" and that "i have screwed up", but a qaurter of a century's worth life has been good. :)

dum de dah...

i haven't written in long! i guess that's a product of a lack of introspect in the last couple of months, or the brilliant changes in my life, my self, perceptions...

it is a new feeling to me, words darting about in my head, not waiting enough for me to catch them n put them down on this keyboard.. i am writing this post just to stay connected, like i used to. change is beautiful and scary...

i have, in fact, changed....

doubt interrupted....

he was afraid she didn't know
that he loved her the way she was
she was afraid he didn't hear
what she said when she took a pause

he held her hand and sang to her
he tried to mend her broken smile
she heard the words and felt the warmth
but searched his eyes for doubt and guile

he saw the cloud inside her head
and held her close, to show he's there
she wondered why he wouldn't speak
and told herself he didn't care

he held her long, she fell asleep
he smiled, relieved, turned the lights dim
he slept that night thinking, now, she's fine
she awoke, convinced, she's losing him.....