most of the lessons i've learned have been the hard way. that's because i've wronged people. there is a certain glory in being the victim, who rises to the light of knowledge after ignorant naivety, learning one's lesson in caution. i have met my teachers however, at the tail end of this glorious horse.
the guilty. the charged. charged with treason, carrying a weapon, sentenced to.... permanence?
i've learned my lessons, but without glory. i've accepted myself for them, never made them twice, but what of it? why is it so tht the lessons i learned cannot help the ones i wronged? why must guilt have no correction?
sorry is a word i use often. even so, its not the eraser or correction fluid we mean it to be. a short while ago, i tried to relieve myself of the worms in my conscience, by apologising to those people i know i've hurt. it didn't help me one bit. well, what did help me was knowing that they had moved on beyond that spot i'd stopped at and revisited so many times. the injuries i'd inflicted on them carried no permanent mark.
but those same injuries translocated themselves onto me. my apology, and every word in it, hurt me. the guilt remained. the hurt added onto it. it is disillusioning. even today, i hurt people, but i find it just as impossible to "make it up" to them, if such a thing exists. i hope to be someone who always gets it right. .................well, almost always, when its important.......
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2 comments:
You are not alone :)
Everybody wrongs others some time or other....I guess thats part of how life goes...
Living with all these feelings is what makes you - you, makes me - me...and so for everybody else.
when you go to see the bigger picture, we are all playing a part in a play...and entertainment isn't only about good stuff is it?!!
what you call as a play, i think of as a picture.... we are too small to see the entire picture, but we see the blacks, whites, reds and yellows of it.
we can only know how black the black is as compared to what the white was, but we mat never know how inportant each of them were to the whole beauty of the picture. nevertheless, we are as important as the next living being is. i wrong others more than i am wronged.... its not good fortune, that's all i can judge so far....
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