complaint box

i know a friend who calls me chatterbox
i know i talk a lot, one thought leads to another and they find their way to my tongue promptly...

about 3 years ago, i was talking to this other friend and realised that in 45 minutes of monologue, all i did was complain about stuff... the weather, that im sleepy, that i dont wanna do dentistry, that i cant go out whenever i wish to, etc etc etc...
i just went on and on like an empty complaint box was waiting to be filled up, and boy,was i generous!

then at one point i stopped. my friend looked at me, (she then seemed to have snapped out of a spell of hypnosis ;P) and i asked her "have i been complaining all this while?" she looked at me uncertain first, then said "well,.... yes actually"

and i felt middle aged..

it was awful! i'd see all these middle aged females cribbing and ranting about in odd issues, and i'd wish to god that i dont turn into one of them... and there i was! i didnt even see it coming!

it was then that i took a concious decision and stopped cribbing. it felt so good! its easier to see the better side of things when im not looking for whats wrong in them :)

three long years have gone since, and about three weeks without a friend's supervision... (she always reprimanded me when i thretened to crib) and i found myself rise and shine today morning and realise its a sunday and say "why do sundays come! i hate sundays!"
then i missed her :(

its so much easier to listen to myself and the promises i made to myself when friends are around! :( four weeks ago my friend and i shopped ourselves dry of cash and were forced to walk from main street to koregaon park... what more? we enjoyed the walk... i can call it fun :)
it seemed so easy then...

cover my eyes...

i saw a woman on the street the other day, very old, weak, haggard, bent with age and with cataracts in both eyes... she was begging on the road, being pushed around among the pedestrians, eating newspaper because she was hungry ....

i saw a frail man dressed in rags , almost concious, being held by two other men, one man at each arm, being dragged across the road, with both knees scraping the ground, producing a slight trail of blood behind him... and people walked and drove over his blood as though it were dust...

i saw three men heave a large log of wood onto a vehicle and drive it towards the timber market... debating a price to put on a dead piece of a living tree that they killed...

i thought about misery for hours... i wondered why certain things happen, why certain things make sense to people... i wanted it to change, i wanted to change it... i felt small, very unresourceful, helpless...

then, i changed somewhere....

wiped clean...

when everything in life has taken me where i least expected it, brought me joy from the places that were always in my peri-vision and brought all my dreams to fall into the traps of insecurity especially when my support system is slightly compromised, and all i can do is break down and marvel at the strange patterns of destiny that god's weaving into my existence, surrender to its complexity, i wonder if its all too screwed up to ever be right again... if every good thing is too late already and every dream is done fighting for.....

the beautiful picture i thought my life would make in a frame is transformed into a morbid form of modern art that does NOT make sense... and then i think that i made mistakes, i can learn from them still, i can wipe that canvas clean of the absurdity and start with new colors... maybe.... maybe i can...

the crash has been traumatic. its broken me down, but i have enough of me left to move... :)
i'll move, i'll paint that pretty picture again, i'll dream again...

i will...

shades of gray...

a LITTLE while, a little while,
The weary task is put away,
And I can sing and I can smile,
Alike, while I have holiday.

Where wilt thou go, my harassed heart-
What thought, what scene invites thee now
What spot, or near or far apart,
Has rest for thee, my weary brow?

There is a spot, 'mid barren hills,
Where winter howls, and driving rain;
But, if the dreary tempest chills,
There is a light that warms again.

Could I have lingered but an hour,
It well had paid a week of toil;
But Truth has banished Fancy's power:
Restraint and heavy task recoil.

Even as I stood with raptured eye,
Absorbed in bliss so deep and dear,
My hour of rest had fleeted by,
And back came labour, bondage, care

learning life...

“I've learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures will never replace having been there, memories good and bad will bring tears, and words can never replace feelings" i don't know who wrote this :) but it fell in my lap just when i thought i needed someone to tell me....

it is so, that the last few months of my being have been a revelation of changes that have turned me around, carved new roads where i never anticipated roads could be tread... i've had to fight wars that came without warning and have found cushions in the queerest corners of my heart...

i've almost just survived (or have i?) and i dont have any way of explaining what really happened with me!!! i remember how hard the year 2006 was for us. we even wanted to make a bonfire of all we could find associated with that year.... but this year!!! i dont know what to do with it!!! this year has been a decade already, but it has made diamonds with its cuts and oyester pearls with the pain, every aspect of life came a round circle back to where it was, making me whole...

i realised i had a few precious things with me but was too occupied to notice them, like putting my fingers in my pocket to unexpectedly find a chocolate left behind..... :) i've had the best most uninhibited time with my friends (since junior college) in the last few months!!!

but there was a breach of trust here and there, there were disappointments, loss, injury, unforgivable behaviour.....and then forgiving and forgetting... most of all, a few questions dissolved into clarity....

i don't have answers or explainations, but i can look my doubts in the eye, i can adress them...

i dont know if i like self awareness yet, but its new, i'll look around.... :)

lost and found....

i hold it now, now let it go,
hide it now, now let it show,

a tear comes now, i close my eyes,
u look away, i say good byes,

its been so long, my life falls short,
you've been around in flesh and thought,

you take your leave, i walk away,
like nothing else is left to say,

a piece of my smile lies at your door,
smiling for you, one time more.....

good bye is not even a word..... :(

a tear shed, a smile spent,
a moment paused in thought,
a hand held, an eye met,
a word spoken (or not),

a moon shared, a secret bared,
a hope in times of hurt,
a warm embrace, a mirrored face,
chocolate stain on a shirt,

a night of talking,
a day of walking,
a lifetime or a mile,
a scream of joy,
a special boy,
fo'ever for a while,

a lovely start,
a homely heart,
a dream set on your wing,
of everything you mean to me,
good bye don't mean a thing....